neurosis is the norm
by babybel
Summary: She's loud and proud welcome the entrance of Doreen Bumble Sun Hills new probationer
1. Doreen and the cheeky chappy's

If you are opposed to any sort of mild language do not read. As I say it is only mild though.

Who says that hitting 50 is the time when your life as you knew it changes for the worse? For Doreen Bumble life was just beginning! Freshly divorced from her millionaire husband she made sure she had half his earnings. With nothing else to do she decided to go on a voyage of self-discovery, a voyage to Sun Hill. But were they quite ready for her?

" Ok baby lets roll" Doreen screeched in that nauseating voice.

She adjusted every single mirror in her Audi TT so it caught her in every angle. Fluffing her peroxide locks she forced the key into the ignition and revved the car up.

The radio gave a muffled tone due to the low volume so hearing her phone ring wasn't hard. The screen flashed a light blue displaying the caller, emblazoned across it were the words 'Fat Git'.

"What do you want?" she said abruptly

"On some kind of payback mission are we, don't think that your going to get custody of my baby," she replied in a cocky tone.

"Huh really well I'd hang up right now if I were you, because anymore of your big talk little man and I will be suing you and your little bitch of a girlfriend for emotional blackmail"

The conversation fell silent and it was clear that the person on the receiving end of that conversation had got fed up with the torrent of abuse being yelled at them.

"Ahh now that's better Doreen all out of our system isn't it" she smiled to her reflection.

The day was bright and the sun was beaming down onto the tar-covered pavement, as the car door swung open it reflected the light back off. One foot stepped out and then other, her petite feet were placed inside

Fuchsia stilettos. As she stood up she turned in a stiff fashion, arms stiff by her side, as if she were mimicking a penguin. Clutching her bag with perfectly manicured hands she slammed the car door, stopped, flicked her short hair and walked inside the building. Once inside she stood at the front desk and fiddled inside her bag, finally finding what she needed she pulled it out. JT was on reception and she handed him a brown envelope with the words 'Sergeant Smith' on them. He looked up and gave her a confused look, aware she spoke.

" Hello, Darlin' my names Doreen Bumble I've been sent here, im the new PC well im a pro…a pro…damn what's that long word they call ya'?" she searched in her mind but she simply couldn't remember.

"A probationer?" JT told her.

"That's it love, aint' you a clever one corr ill ave' to be careful around you, your as sharp as a knife" She giggled pinching his cheek slightly as she leant over the desk.

Just at that moment a tall dark haired man walked through the wooden fireproof door into reception.

"Oi PC Hemmingway sort out your personal problems when you're off duty, get through that door into the briefing room is that clear." He moaned.

"Yes, Sarge" she groaned walking towards the door at a snails pace.

Doreen turned away from the action and faced JT,

"He's a bit hot under the collar aint' he" she pointed out,

"That's Sergeant Smith, I think he's got woman trouble." He gossiped.

Hearing his name Smithy turned to JT and asked what was going on, gesturing towards Doreen he said,

"This is Doreen Bumble, the new PC Sarge"

"Your late" he stated

"I know. Ohhh the woes of love eh, like you in that respect Mr Smith, just heard that you're going through a tough time with your woman, is that right"

She enquired; JT rolled his eyes at the fact that she had just put both of them in it.

"Listen its your first day aint' it, so let me give you a few pointers, number 1 don't turn up late to work and number 2 _don't _discuss my private life as I don't appreciate it." He snarled.

Giving a sigh she replied,

"Ok my lips are sealed don't you worry" tapping him on the chest with her index finger,

As she progressed towards the door she said in a raised tone,

"Oh and If you ever need anyone to talk to, you know about woman trouble just talk to auntie Doreen".

JT giggled at Smithy's embarrassment and said to him,

"Yeah, she seems nice, very sweet little lady"

"JT who are you kidding she's neurotic".

* * *

Thanks for reading I would really like to know what you think of Doreen and this story so please R+R.


	2. Bitch Power

As she walked through the door she saw PC Hemmingway talking to PC Harman, unaware of what to do she went to ask them for help. Her pencil skirt was tight to her legs and made it hard for much movement to happen so her slight jog down the corridor became something of a comedy sketch. She stopped with a jerk and stood in front of the two young PC's.

"Hi im Doreen," she gave a nervous giggle and a snort,

"Just been talking to that sergeant Smith and he told me to get ready for the briefing but I haven't got a dickey bird about where to go, you couldn't help me could you luvvy's?" She asked.

"Yeah, well you need to get changed and the locker rooms are just there" Honey said pointing to the door opposite her.

"Oh yeah silly me, can't catch any robbers in this clobber now could ya'. Thanks Darlin' I hope everyone's like you" she replied.

Honey and Yvonne watched her waddle into the locker rooms and gave a little giggle when she was out of sight.

"Ahh we mustn't giggle she seems erm…" Yvonne strained, holding back the laughter.

"DIPSY!" honey chuckled.

Just then Amber walked past and turned to them,

"Corr look what the cat dragged in, your not telling me that we have to work with that withered old Barbie are you," she snarled sarcastically.

"At least she not a pampered old brat like you" Honey bit back.

Just as Amber went in to fight back Gina Gold grabbed her from behind and hauled her and Honey into her office. Pushing them in she slammed the door,

Nostrils flaring she screamed,

"I've had just about enough of this, anyone would think you're at Pre School the way you two go on. Now Honey there was absolutely no excuse for what you said…"

After that statement Ambers face turned to a smirk,

"Oh PC Johansson you can wipe that look off your face, because what you said young lady was down right rude. Now the both of you can work through your ref's to make up for the time you have wasted. Now shoo!"

The two of them walked out of her office and into the briefing not making a single sound. By now the chairs had been occupied so they both stood against the side of the wall listening to what was being said.

Doreen sat with Yvonne at the other side of the room listening inattentively to what Sergeant Smith was saying, she was brought out of her little bubble when he raised his voice slightly from the droning decibel he had spoken in previously.

"Right, Honey you're with Yvonne, Roger with Leela, Tony with Reg and Amber your with Doreen who's our new bobby"

She sat in her chair and swivelled round giving a regal wave with her left hand.

As they walked out the door Yvonne and Doreen collapsed with laughter at her little Mickey take,

Mumbling under her breath Amber groaned,

"Great I'm stuck with her for the rest of the day, should be fun"

Coughing loudly behind her Inspector Gold raised her eyebrow, Amber going a crimson colour.

The petite brunette waltzed over to PC Bumble and crossed her arms at her chest like a spoilt child who had been denied sweets.

"Are we ready then? She asked,

"Yeah, your Amber right Darlin'? Well I've heard a lot about you but I won't judge till I know ya'" She said,

"I'm sure you just misunderstood aint that right" She smirked,

"Who have you been talking to then Bumble Bee, Honey Harman well she's a two faced cow" Amber raged,

Under her breath Doreen said to herself,

"Maybe I was wrong"

In the forecourt Amber went to get into the passenger seat but Doreen slammed the door shut and cornered Amber,

"Look I don't like this anymore than you do but it's our job, if you want to stay on my good side I suggest you listen missy. Number one _do not _call me bumblebee I can't stand it and it's not funny, number two drop the attitude problem. I've been on this earth far longer than you madam and I know how to get my own way far better than you do, so if you thought you could doss you've got anything coming, I know your type your probably an only child, a daddies girl who likes to whack out the plastic on pay day. I do not like people like you, probably because I am like you but at least I keep my dignity"


	3. Meat and two Veg

Neurosis is the Norm

Chapter 3Just a warning chapter 3 contains some strong language and sex references which some may find offensive.

* * *

After an eventful shift with Amber, Doreen headed into the station yard. Taking the key out of the ignition she raised an eyebrow at Amber as she slammed the door on her way out of the car.

"Did you shut the door hard enough Amber?" she shouted,

Barely acknowledging Doreen's statement she carried on walking past the rest of the relief who were standing outside. Waiting for the panda to pass Doreen walked up to them,

"So how was your first day on the beat?" Smithy asked as he folded his arms resting them on his chest.

"Not too bad apart from PC Hohansson's mood swings, anyone would think she's about to drop a sprog" she giggled, snorting occasionally.

"Doreen it's pronounced Yo-hanson, I think it originates from Sweden or somewhere like that. Easy mistake though." Reg added.

"Ahh Reggie your so sweet" she said in an angelic voice while pinching his cheek,

"She was making a point you plank, Johansson… Hohansson" Tony mocked,

"Ahh I see, all this gateaux talk is too confusing for me what happened to the good old days when people talked the Queens English, society is being influenced far too much by youths these days" Reg continued.

"Mate I think you'll find its Ghetto not gateaux" Dan replied, shaking his head at Reg.

After a short burst of laughter the conversation fizzled out, breaking the silence said,

"How do ya' fancy a drink down the local, to celebrate your first day",

"I've got a better idea, how do you fancy coming back to my place I've got plenty of booze left over from Christmas, and its free!" Doreen added,

The relief looked at each other and replied,

"Yeah, fine by us".

Doreen knew that the relief would not miss out on free drinks,

"Well I better get changed out of these things. Aren't they just so glam" She joked.

In the locker rooms she saw Amber powdering her face in front of the mirror, standing behind her she said

"Putting your war paint on I see",

Huffing Amber turned on her stiletto heels and cornered Doreen,

"Think your funny do you, well you're absolutely pathetic! Everyone pretends to like you but do you honestly think that they do there probably outside talking about you. Your OAP Barbie, that's all you are, no wonder you're divorced what person would put up with you".

Yawning she replied,

"Truthfully Amber I'm disappointed in you, I thought you could do better than that. OAP Barbie, my sides are splitting! And to think I thought you were like moi how silly of me, you're far to thick. Now I must get on I'm going for a drink with my colleagues, you know Amber those people outside that don't like me".

Realising there was no comeback Amber stormed out of the lockers leaving Doreen alone.

"Go Dory its your birthday, we gonna get naughty likes its your birthday" she chanted to herself.

Walking over to her locker she turned the lock and the door swung open, inside the shelf was filled up with toiletries and cosmetics. Lifting out a large bag she carried it towards the mirror and undid the zip. After applying her make up she picked up the bag, unaware that the zip was still open the contents cascaded out hitting the floor and immersed Doreen into a huge cloud of powder.

"Fuck it!" She spluttered as she picked the contents up beneath the rubble a photo laid on the floor. Wiping the front of it she looked at the man in the photo, he had chiselled features and dark brown hair. A fuchsia lipstick caught her eye, winding it down she drew over his face emblazoning the word 'WANKER' across his forehead.

'Ahh now that's an improvement!" she grinned, folding it up and shoving it into her jacket pocket.

Just as she stood up the door swung open and Gina stood in the frame,

"C'mon its bloody freezing, Smithy looks like his balls are about to drop off"

Grabbing her coat and clutch bag she followed Gina out of the station. Still in the back yard the others huddled together, the chill circulating through their rigid bodies. As Doreen stepped outside she saw Smithy, arms folded across his chest still but looking frozen.

"Cor you look like a pile of ice sweetie, a nice whisky will get your meat and two veg sizzling in no time. I mean I'm sure they are already with big feet like yours I doubt you have problems in the you no what department." She babbled on linking her arm in his as they walked away. With a look of sheer horror Smithy turned to look behind catching Gina in a hysterical fit.

* * *

Another chapter done, short I know but it fills a gap and helps lead into some mischevious happenings! Thanks for reading plz plz plz review! 


	4. Cops and robbers

Neurosis is the Norm

Chapter 4

"I know what I was gonna ask ya' babe" she said brightly as if an idea had popped into her head,

"What?" Smithy replied abruptly hearing the murmurs coming from Gina,

"What made you become a copper because I really can't imagine you being a copper more like a baddy!" she commented.

"Oh cheers, I don't really think the whole black and white stripes thing is me." He mocked.

"I wouldn't worry about that Darlin' you'd suit anything. I love a bad boy I do" she joked making a tiger sound.

Smithy turned to Roger and gave a distressed look; breaking away from conversation Roger gave a chuckle in the direction of Smithy.

"Mmm nice lady isn't she Tone," Reg said thoughtfully,

"Who?" Tony replied scoffing his sausage baguette,

"Doreen. She has this scent about her" He sighed,

"Perfume?" Tony said looking down at his shirt while rubbing the ketchup out.

Butting into the conversation Honey and Yvonne chanted,

"Ooooooo"

"Sounds to me like someone's in love Mr Hollis" Honey smiled

Replying Reg rubbed his hand over his perfectly gelled hair,

"No…im not…she's just a nice lady".

"Yeah" They all joked not convinced at all at Reg's feeble excuse.

The group walked down 'Sun Hill Way' admiring the expensive cars and the grand houses, Doreen took a remote out of her jacket and pointed it towards the iron gates. A second later they opened to reveal a large house,

"Wow you live there" Yvonne and Honey said in unison,

"Yeah, I claimed it all off the pig when we were getting divorced! It's great I can sit in the Jacuzzi sipping a nice glass of champers and know that he is in some hostel somewhere with flies around his armpits" She replied, applying a Lancôme juicy tube lip gloss to her full lips.

Roger and Tony looked at Smithy biting their lips, holding back snide comments.

"Yeah I'd keep those comments to yourself, your just jealous that im not flirty with you Tone" Smithy replied, blowing Tony a kiss.

"Yeah your right I'm secretly in love with you Sarge!" Tony said fluttering his eyelashes.

Turning around to see what the boys were talking about Laura caught Tony's outburst,

"Ay, ay what's going on here hey" she smiled,

Putting his arm around Tony shoulders Smithy pinched the larger mans cheek and said,

"Me and Tony are secretly in love with each other aren't we Honey bunny",

"I'm one smitten kitten," Tony said.

Oblivious to the action unfolding behind her Doreen took out her keys and forced one into the lock, turning it the door opened.

"Cor you did alright didn't you" Gina implied picking up a vase close to the stairs,

"Of course I did Gina, when I said I took him for every penny I really did" she smiled.

Waltzing into the kitchen that was adjacent to the hall she lit a cigarette and drew a long puff,

"So what do you lovelies want to drink then? I've got about every bloody drink under the sun," she said to them.

"So was that part of the divorce settlement as well, taking all his booze?" Dan asked not really wanting an answer, saying it through sarcasm.

"No, I just went into his club and nicked a load, the fatty puff don't even know" She laughed.

* * *

Sorry for the lack of length i'm going to write a longer one next time i promise lol!

PLEASE R+R Lotsa huggles,

Lauz

xx


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